Merlin Vs Cake
by DarkMousyRulezAll
Summary: Merlin didn't know that it would get this bad so fast. He honestly didn't know if he could handle the situation. But he had to, or else the kingdom would fall to ruin. No one else could be the one to do it, of course. It was up to him to save Camelot...from being crushed by a giant cake. takes place during Series 1, crack fic! R&R please! Rated T for language and peril.


**Sorry for the recent lack of activity since early May. I've been seriously busy with lifeguarding and now I have an evening camp that takes up the rest of the night, so I've had very little time to do anything, much less write. This little crack fic I've been working on since late May, and finally I've finished it! **

**The prompt that inspired this was plainly to have Merlin be singled out to save Camelot from certain doom. And I wanted a certain someone to be the antagonist. :D So without any further ado, here's the story!**

**This takes place in Season one, after _To Kill the King,_ but before_ Le Morte d'Arthur_**

**_Disclaimer: I don't own Merlin, or this would be an actual comedic relief episode._**

* * *

_**Merlin Vs. Cake**_

_[A shadowed woman garbed in a tattered red dress glared down at the image of a shining kingdom reflected in a scrying pond. She let drop some of her blood into the water and began swirling it around, chanting a spell. __**"**__**Forbric! Forbric! Forgrind **__**ríce, **__**forgiefe**__** cwealm **__**adúneástígeþ!" **_]

Merlin didn't know that it would get this bad so fast. He honestly didn't know if he could handle the situation. But he had to, or else the kingdom would fall to ruin. No one else could be the one to do it, of course. It was up to him to save Camelot…

...from being crushed by a giant cake.

_Earlier this morning…_

Prince Arthur's dark-haired manservant grinned mischievously as he opened the curtains, letting in the bright sunlight. Merlin chuckled as he heard Arthur's groans of protest.

"Good morning, sire," Merlin chirped. "It's time to start the day!"

"_Mer_lin," Arthur grumbled without getting up. "Please shut up." The servant blissfully ignored the prince's malice and stripped the blankets off of his back with a cheery grin. Arthur shouted in protest, grabbing in vain, as Merlin had already walked away to get the prince's breakfast. "MERLIN!"

In a flash, the pale face poked back into the room, followed by the rest of the body, and hands holding a silver plate with food on it. "Yes, sire?" Merlin asked with a mocking grin. Arthur glared coldly at his manservant as he neared with the food. The prince said nothing, only grabbing a slice of bread and cheese off of the plate.

"I'll have you know _Mer_lin," Arthur grumbled, chewing his food obnoxiously. "That if you try to pull that stunt again, I'll have you in the stocks for a _week_." Merlin grinned.

"Of course, Sire. Duly noted," he nodded with jocular seriousness. Arthur sighed heavily and angrily, glaring daggers at Merlin while taking the rest of his food off of the plate. For a brief moment, Arthur put his hand to his forehead and grimaced, blinking his eyes slowly. "Is everything alright?" Merlin inquired, all joking aside. Arthur nodded hesitantly, removing his hand.

"I'm fine," the prince assured. "Just a bit of a headache, nothing more. You probably caused it."

"Funny," Merlin smirked, putting the plate down on the table. Arthur smirked in reply. "Will there be anything else, sire?" Arthur's smirk turned into a snide smile.

"Why yes, as a matter of fact there is," Arthur responded with a mock thoughtfulness. "Today there will be a tournament so I need you to muck out the stalls for the competitor's horses as well as my own, polish my armor, sharpen my weapons and then after that I'll need you to be on guard for cleaning up my room. Tournaments always get me so dirty and exhausted." Arthur added the last part with a venomous grin.

Merlin gave a strained smile, hiding a thousand groans. "Of course. I'll get it done." _your royal pratness_...was the unspoken finish.

As Merlin left to head to the stalls, he didn't see Arthur's increased clench nor did he see the prince press his hands to his forehead with greater force.

* * *

When the young warlock finally finished his designated tasks, he stopped to see Gaius for a while. But when he entered the familiar room, the court physician was nowhere to be seen.

"Gaius?" Merlin called. "Gaius, where are you?" The young man looked around worriedly for the man who was like a father to him. "Gaius?!"

A low groan was his response after a moment, and Merlin swooped quickly to his mentor. Gaius was collapsed on the ground, curled up and clenching his forehead. Merlin hovered over the physician worriedly.

"Gaius, Gaius, what's wrong?" he murmured quietly, helping Gaius over to his bed. The man gave a strained grimace, trying to form words.

"M-merlin," he choked out. The young warlock listened attentively. "t-This morning I went to Morgana, for s-she was suffering from pains similar to my own. i-It also seemed that g-Gwen was as well."

Merlin nodded gravely, remembering Arthur's behavior in the morning. "Arthur, too, he was clenching his forehead."

Gaius frowned, and let out a gasping choke of pain. "I believe someone may be behind this- acK! t-Trying t-to attack Camelot at its w-weakest-!" Gaius groaned and his eyes shut, eyebrows wrenched together in pain.

Merlin shook the physician lightly. "You mean, a sorcerer? Someone is using magic to cause this?"

Gaius didn't respond.

"The tournament!" Merlin exclaimed in hushed fear.

He ran out of the room and out to the tournament grounds- but he was stopped short- thrown backwards into a pillar. The warlock was knocked out of breath as he dropped to the ground. He struggled to get to his feet, gasping for air. Merlin clenched his teeth- he had to get up, to stop whatever was affecting the kingdom! With effort, he managed to get a run out of his legs again and sprinted as fast as he was able to go.

"Arthur…" he muttered breathlessly, eyes determined on the finish approaching. But the young warlock stopped short as he caught sight of the tournament grounds. His jaw dropped in horror. ALL of the people- the competitors, the audience, the _king_ and _Morgana_! They were all on the ground, curled in pain, and collective groans sounded throughout like a ghostly wail. Merlin's eyes scanned the area, searching for the familiar crest of Pendragon. Within moments, he spotted it- and he hurried over to it.

"Arthur!" Merlin cried, gazing fearfully over the fallen prince. He shook Arthur in a flustered manner. "Come on, sire, be alright!" A loud laugh rose through the arena and echoed in Merlin's ears.

"He can't feel you doing that. Or hear you for that matter. He's too much in pain to register anything else."

Merlin looked around scrutinizing before his cold blue eyes landed on the approaching figure. He glared with intense venom at her. The warlock took a sharp breath and his lips thinned to a tight line and he moved protectively closer to Arthur.

"So, you're still as loyal as ever I see. How sweet."

"I had a feeling you were a part of this," he accused. This only made her smile, parting her blood red lips into a wide grin. Her intense blue eyes sparkled with wicked delight as she giggled.

"Then you know who I am?" she teased, waving her long but tattered scarlet dress around fancifully. He nodded gravely, the glare not sliding from his features.

"Nimueh," Merlin stated tonelessly, narrowing his gaze. "You attack Camelot twice and you poison me, and now this. What is it that you want?" The Priestess smirked.

"I want what _you_ want Merlin," Nimueh replied sweetly, moving slowly closer to the warlock, who was guarding the prince like a dog. Merlin raised his eyebrow suspiciously, but said nothing in reply. "I want magic to return to Albion. I want to be able to live as who I am without fear of execution by Uther Pendragon. Surely you are worn tired of keeping your immense powers a secret." Merlin's expression darkened.

"What is all of this for then? What are you doing to them?" he asked again, not replying directly to her statement. Nimueh gave a melodic chuckle, and Merlin scowled. "Well?!"

"Look up," she replied simply, pointing her finger in the aforementioned direction. Merlin slowly inclined his head and gasped, losing all of his words. For floating above Camelot was a ginormous translucent CAKE! Upon seeing Merlin's expression, Nimueh smirked. "Well yes, it was either this, or a giant rock, and this one was more fun don't you agree?"

"Why doesn't it affect me like the others?" Merlin inquired heatedly, gaining his fury back, and with it his speech.

"Well that's because you've got a very important decision to make young warlock," she replied, kneeling down to meet his eyes. "You see, this enchantment can only be stopped in two ways. Either you join my side and I remove it, or you find out your own way to destroy it." Merlin's eyes narrowed coldly. "And you don't have that much time left to decide," she added, standing up. "By tomorrow at daybreak, they will all fall unconscious, and by nightfall they will be dead." Merlin could say nothing, too furious to reply. Nimueh began to walk away, the echo of giggles still in her voice. "I await your decision, Merlin. The fate of Camelot rests upon your shoulders."

Merlin remained a bit dumbfounded, with fury boiling his veins. He looked down at Arthur, who was cringing in pain, face deeply etched to echo his feeling. The young warlock screwed up his expression in determination, and he picked up Arthur with the best of his ability.

"Come on, sire," he muttered to the barely conscious prince as Merlin took him to his bedroom. Gingerly, he placed Arthur in his bed. Merlin gave a deep sigh. "I will not let Camelot fall, nor you Arthur," he promised softly. He paced around Arthur's room, his arms waving around his sides anxiously.

"_Either you join my side and I remove it, or you find out your own way to destroy it."_

Merlin shook his head, frowning deeply. No, there was _no way_ he could join sides with Nimueh! She attacked Camelot, she tried to _kill _him for crying out loud! How does the sorceress even expect Merlin to trust her? What if this whole thing was a wild goose chase, what if there_ was_ no way to stop it?

"Oh how in the world do I destroy..._that?!_" the warlock protested furiously, gesturing to the open window, where he could still see the faint aspect of the giant hovering cake.

Continuing to pace, thoughts driven wild, he finally and certainly landed on one he could turn to for help that he hoped was also not affected by the curse as he. "The Great Dragon…"

* * *

Now that all of the guards were in the same quasi-catatonic state, Merlin had no need to sneak to the dungeon where he went to seek council from the Great Dragon. He grabbed the torch and made his way to the depths beneath the castle. Upon reaching the familiar cave, he looked around and cried out.

"PLEASE! I need your help, urgently! All of Camelot is in danger, please!" he called out into the darkness. He felt the whoosh of air as the dragon flew and landed before him.

"What is it, young warlock, that has the kingdom in such grave danger?" Kilgharrah inquired, giving Merlin a curious golden stare. Merlin took a deep breath before looking up to meet the great creature's gaze.

"The sorceress, Nimueh, has placed a curse over the entirety of Camelot," he began shakily. "Everyone but the two of us succumbs to it."

"Go on…" the dragon said, narrowing his eyes.

"She approached me and said that I must join her side, or find a way to destroy it, else by the end of tomorrow, everyone will die," he finished, eyes shining with fluid. The dragon remained silent, expression now serious. "What should I do? I don't know what to do...I can't let all of Camelot die!"

The Great Dragon nodded. "No you cannot," he replied softly, blinking owlishly. "Tell me, what is the nature of this curse?" Merlin gritted his teeth, almost reluctant to reveal the true bizarre nature to the old creature.

"It...it is a giant cake...that hovers over the kingdom, incapacitating all of its citizens with crushing head pains," the warlock explained slowly. Kilgharrah nodded in recognition.

"There is only one way to stop this enchantment besides the caster relinquishing it," he revealed after a moment. Merlin made no noise, but his expression pleaded for him to give away his knowledge. "The only way to defeat it is to consume it," the dragon said in a slightly deadpan tone. From the look Merlin gave him, Kilgharrah imagined he was thinking, _"Seriously?" _

"And..._how_...exactly do I do that? It would take an entire army two years at least to do such a thing- much less me in less than a day! That's madness!" Merlin protested. The dragon huffed and almost gave a smirk.

"You didn't let me finish Merlin," Kilgharrah continued smugly. "You wouldn't be able to touch it, let alone consume it, if not for an ancient artifact hidden in this castle's very foundation. It was enchanted many years ago when such tortures were used many times. It allows the wielder to consume the entire cake with the price of digesting it over the course of many months, leaving him in prolonged but overall minor pain. That is what you must do, young warlock."

"Right...now where can I find this artifact?"

* * *

The young warlock traveled to the throne room, slightly skeptical but overly aware of the literal looming threat. In front of the king's throne, he looked down at the floor. According to Kilgharrah, the artifact was buried in the very floors beneath the foot of the throne.

"So, it's now the last day of Camelot's life. What is your choice, Merlin?"

Merlin turned around to see Nimueh stalking towards him, confident and leering.

"I do hope you have chosen to accept a place by my side," she murmured with a sickening sweetness in her tone. Merlin glared at her.

"I will not join you, I will defeat your enchantment and save Camelot!" the warlock declared, letting his pride show through. "There's nothing you can do to change that!" Nimueh frowned slightly.

"Well then, it looks like we're on opposing sides once again," she muttered with a smirk. Merlin's expression darkened.

"Then I'd like it if you'd leave now!" the warlock bellowed, holding out his arm. _** "Ástríce!" **_Merlin's eyes glowed gold as he sent a blast of magic towards Nimueh, who easily deflected it with her hand. She laughed wickedly.

"Oh _please,_ spare me the time, _Mer_lin," she cackled, causing said warlock to cringe when she said his name, "I am a High Priestess of the Old Religion. Though you have a powerful gift, it is nothing compared to mine- you're wasting your time if you think to challenge me." Nimueh's words did nothing but fan Merlin's raging flames.

"_**Cume her fyrbryne!"**_the young warlock shouted, sending a line of fire from him to the sorceress that circled around her. She was shocked briefly, and was stung with the bite of the fire in her surprise. She gave Merlin a dark warning look.

"This will not be the last time we meet," she growled, her eyes glowing fiercely before she vanished into thin air. As the fire died down, Merlin scowled, but clenching his jaw, he returned to his previous task. He looked down at the floor in front of the throne and extended his hand towards it.

"_**ábríete!" **_Merlin shouted. The stone floor cracked and crumbled away, revealing a small chest covered in debris. He snatched it up quickly and opened the lid, taking out a large and ornate looking spoon, made up of gleaming white stone and gold and covered in ancient runes. "Here it is…" he muttered.

Merlin got up, artifact in hand, and made his way out of the throne room to the courtyard, where he could clearly see the giant hovering cake.

"Alright, here goes nothing," the young man grimaced, holding out the ancient device and closing his eyes.

"_**forgiefe mé forslítan þisne áwiergednesse!" **_Merlin shouted with great power in his voice._** "cíese cwicsúsl!" **_

The ornate spoon began to glow intensely, and looking up, Merlin saw that the floating cake began to light the sky with a similar intense light. Within moments, the cake dissolved into a shining mist and spiraled down towards Merlin, who braced himself as the enchantment pierced his abdomen, knocking him to the ground and continuing to seep directly into his body until it disappeared completely.

Merlin groaned immensely, clutching his now-aching stomach. Despite this though, he let out a broken laugh, cracking his eyes open to glance at the clear sky. "Take that Nimueh," he breathed triumphantly.

Getting the kingdom back in order as if the tournament hadn't already started was no small feat. It took Merlin ages to get all of the citizens back before they woke up, now with his new "punishment" he moved incredibly slower and doing so gave him stomach pains. At least he saved the kingdom, he supposed. Another thankless task. While rearranging Arthur's room, he hoped to every divine being that Arthur would keep his mouth shut about his new predicament.

As the prince began to stir, Merlin smiled cheekily as if nothing was wrong. "Good morning, sire!"

Arthur groaned in reply.

"Come along now, sire, you must get ready for the tournament!" the young warlock prodded, grabbing up the prince's armor. This gained Arthur's attention.

"The tournament? I could have sworn it was yesterday we began!" he protested. Merlin shook his head. "I _remember_ being there!"

"Ah, really, then what happened?" Merlin asked with a raised eyebrow. Arthur became quiet, screwing up his face to try to remember the previous day's events.

"I- I don't know," Arthur confessed after a few moments. "Maybe...it was a dream then."

"Of course, sire," Merlin replied with a small grin. Arthur now took the time to give a long glance at Merlin, cocking his head to the side and scrunching up his face in confusion.

"Merlin, have you gotten fatter? You look terribly bloated."

That was it. The manservant lost his hold on his bottled up annoyance, smile disappearing, and threw Arthur's armor to the ground, shocking the prince.

"Shut up, you obnoxious prat! I just saved your damn life!"

And with that, the warlock stormed out of the room, leaving Arthur utterly speechless. Morgana entered the room and gave the blonde a strange look.

"What was that about?" she inquired with a frown. Arthur took a minute to shake his head and then glanced at the King's ward.

"I have absolutely no idea."

* * *

**welp, there you have it!**

**Spells used: -**_**"**__**Forbric! Forbric! Forgrind **__**ríce, **__**forgiefe**__** cwealm **__**adúneástígeþ!":** (original spell, not from series)"Crush! Crush! Destroy the kingdom, allow death/plague to descend!" _

**_-___****"Ástríce!": (From Le Morte d'Arthur) **___"I strike!"_

**___-"___****Cume her fyrbryne!": (From Excalibur)**_________"Come here, conflagration!"_

_____-**"**__**ábríete!": **(original spell, not from series) "Break!/Destroy!"_

_**-"**__**forgiefe mé forslítan þisne áwiergednesse! **__**cíese cwicsúsl!": **____(original spell, not from series)______"Allow me to consume this curse! I accept the punishment!" _

**Well, hoped you guys enjoyed it! Review and let me know how it was!**

**-DMRA**


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